chibi_xtine

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 07:16:21 GMT

[Unknown LJ tag]

Because he doesn't know what he wants, I had to be hurt.
I didn't see this coming and I don't know how to deal with it. I feel so used, so tormented, as if everything that he did was some game I had to play. His personality is so flirtatious he can't settle down. It makes me angry whenever i think about it. I want to hate him, so much. I slapped him, I wanted to punch him but I didn't want to hurt myself on him again. I'm an emotional wreck right now, a damaged car crash where the shattered remnants of my perfectly crafted relationship shards can be found twenty yards away. I wanted to shut out all that he had said. "I love you." Bull shit. Bull fucking shit.

But then there's this. I love him. I care about him. He is my Arian. He is my Jordan. He is the one thing that has remained consistent (as ironic as it may be) in my whole time at Georgia Tech. He is the one thing that I put my heart and soul into and the one thing that has lasted. Mike and Troy didn't last, neither did Daniel or Madhav, Rob came close but even still then he stopped; Mats is the only thing that has stood by my side and let me sort of understand his twisted being and he's one of the very few that I've let my guard down around.

I'm still deciding whether i did the right thing.

[insert non-sensical thoughts here]

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 06:04:45 GMT

I woke up to this on New Years morning. It made me realize that I was foolish to believe we could be something less than a relationship but I still pretend. I fell asleep in his arms last night and he held me while I slept... and I've never slept better. I'm just digging myself deeper, and I know it.

It's been 5 months since Sheila passed away. I've forgotten the sound of her normal voice, and the only thing left that echoes is her over the top laughter. I suppose it's better than her sobs when I comforted her in the bathroom after she broke up with Casey. It was the first time I saw her cry.

It's a New Year, 2009, and I want to make it worth it.

a brief overview.

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 03:05:13 GMT

oh so it's been several. SEVERAL months since I've last updated partially because I find blogging to be trivial and kind of melodramatic (no offense to those of you that do). Too much has happened, I'm going to Tech (w00t w00t) as an Industrial Designer. I've made several attempts at stopping my angsty teenage adventures but at heart I will always draw pictures with trite meaning behind them.
I've learned to accept that I will be friends with very VERY few people in the next couple of months. Those that i choose to stick with, are the ones that I should cherish beyond anything else. Counting the number of friends on facebook means nothing to me, because i'd say a good 95% of them are mere shallow acquaintances I will never see again or barring that will see rarely over the next couple of years. Maybe one day I'll see them at a party, rekindle my friendship at work, they'll IM me on Facebook chat or e-mail me something but probably nothing beyond that. It's something that I had a hard time grasping but once I walked across that stage at graduation it was the unfortunate truth.
I'm not going to go on a "I've found God" thing because the truth is I haven't really but I've been exposed to more religion in the past month or so than I have pretty much since 6th grade. I don't really know how to deal with the information given to me so I've kinda set it aside and left it into the hands of God/Buddha/Allah/Yahweh/The Spaghetti Monster. I'm not in a hurry to discover the truth and i'm not in the mood to have someone shove me in a particular direction.
I didn't grow physically or mentally this year, I've just stayed the same. I've just started to notice and realize somethings. Call it maturity, that's crap it's just mere observation on my part. If people did that from time to time they wouldn't do such retarded things. Oh well, It's the 4th of July and I watched fireworks for the first time... like REAL fireworks for the first time in a long time and it made me really happy. I'm thrilled that nothing in this world really bothers me anymore. What you think of this blog, the comments you make, what people say behind my back... it's all trivial to my life.
So Hello again... and goodbye =D

Sat, 29 Dec 2007 07:56:27 GMT

so what does one DO at 2:30 in the morning? Reminisce about the past year of course =D. So how do I put it into words? How the hell do so many things change in a meager 365 days? I guess, it just does, and it's how it is. It's funny how the only time that people think about...well, time is during the New Years. We've held our tongue, kept trivial grudges, lied, cheated, stole, gossiped, and suddenly when the seconds tick down to 2008, all of it disappears and a New Year dawns with new possibilities, new chances, new starts.
So here's to 2007, a troubling, changing year for me, for all of us.

To all the old friends, thanks for sticking through. To the new ones, it's just the beginning.

Anything Goes...

let's start at the beginning

January

february

Fiddler

spring break

prom

finals week

after final's parties

new faces

G

H

P

senior year football games

senior breakfast

homecoming

what's the good word?

i can't wait for next year.

Sun, 16 Dec 2007 01:05:22 GMT

to the collegeboard, to the deans of colleges, counselors, teachers, and even sometimes my parents...

I am a number. I am anywhere between 1-600, 100-2400, 1-34, 1-100. I am a number on a sheet of paper and it defines me.

I have been stripped of my three dimensional qualities, my talents, my emotions and have been left with reasoning skills, analytical skills, and critical thinking ability to guide me through life. 2+2=4... John took a train from New York leaving at 1:00AM traveling at 60 mph... A ball is launched at a initial velocity of 15 m/s. This characterizes me, how well I reason with choices A, B, C, D; the numbers I hastily scribble in the margins and the meaningless calculations in the RAM of my calculator, It is who I am.

I am a 1230/1600.

I am a 580 on Critical Reading.

I am a 650 on Math.

I am a 600 on Writing.

I am a 40/100 on Fluids.

I am a 80 in Calculus.

I am 266 out of 650 competing seniors.

I am ink and credentials on paper.

I am 3-8-18-9-19-20-9-14-5 12-9-21

i went to jeff's house to study today and in light of reading ... other live journals. I've decided to mock people (because i am in a bitter and horrible mood)
OMG so today I went to jeffrey's house and i met his parents. This is the first step you guys, y'know meeting his parents. I mean I can't marry the guy without meeting his parents right? Well, I guess i could try. BUT it doesn't matter. His parents are SOOO COOL ♥ his parents. Jeffrey and I studied math. Jeffrey is so hot. Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey ♥. Oh yeah and lucas was there.

No but seriously i did go to his house and we DID study... (not that's NOT what the call it these days.)And if you do read this jeff, you ARE an attractive man I promise; I'm not mocking you, i'm mocking he/she/it/alfonso-who-shall-not-be-named.

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 04:38:52 GMT

i wish.

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 04:12:32 GMT

live. love. laugh.

three weeks.
twenty-one days.

It's crazy how long it takes for someone to rearrange their life. It feels like it took October forever to end, but at the same time November approached too soon.
senior year is exactly what i'm making it to be, motivation less and filled with awkward transition periods. it's not so much a complaint as it is the truth, my motivation to stay in high school has completely plummeted. i'm waiting for the acceptance [or rejection] letters.
but for now. things like this will happen.

we'll walk for a cause

and party for no reason

people will grow old

new people will enter

and we will make a lasting impression

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 01:09:50 GMT

Yesterday I was kidnapped from my house.

I was asleep and received a call at 10:23 pm from Jordan.
"Christine? Come outside right now."... So i moan and groan and get out of bed, pull on a hoodie and proceed outdoors. It's kinda cold, but I hear the thump of a bass get closer... It's the car. A Lexus RX300 Pulls into my drive way, as I think to myself. "This isn't Jordan's car..." the door opens then
Jordan bursts out and screams "GET IN THE CAR" picks me up, throws me over his shoulder into Arian's car.

What the fuck.

They drive off and here is Jordan sitting in my lap, not letting me call my mother, or breathe for that fact. He turns on the light and demands I teach him how to do the Rubik's cube.

What the fuck.

I'm thinking they're joking, but then Arian puts his car into reverse and drives off, with Jordan still in my lap. We go down past the park, where i notice a familiar truck, but it can't be him. We pull into a cul de sac still in my neighborhood and Arian parks. Of course this is after Arian uses physics to his benefit to make it look like Jordan and I are having sex. (At this point Jordan and I have switched positions)

What the fuck.

I scramble out of the car (I might be pregnant) and both of them grab my arm to make sure I don't run away (like I wanted to.) We reach the house, that might not have been the house and rang the doorbell. My palms are sweaty, both Arian and Jordan say this to me.

What the fuck.

We make jokes about "A Jew, a Muslim, and an Agnostic" apparently, when the three of them show up at your door "it's trouble." We go around back, except we go around left, not right and get into the house (only after some difficulty). Michael Benfield pops out from the stairs and I scream like a little girl (which I am).

What the fuck.

Shivum, Jimmy Sutehall, Brian Starks, and Diana Zarzour are all sitting on this couch, watching Transformers. I'm pulled away so I can watch Jordan freak out on Guitar Hero (it was really funny). I play masseuse for Jordan, and as the movie ends, i'm tackled my Arian to the ground and the Shivum gets on top. Jordan's nipple gets bitten and Jimmy Sutehall almost eats a bug.

What the fuck.

I catch a glimpse of that same familiar truck pulling around the cul de sac, and Michael walks into the house and tells me that Drew Newman and Reid Harrison are getting stoned down in Sugar Mill Park and that a woman threatened to call the cops.

I get a call from a very confused and irritated mother, and tell Arian I have to go home.I'm driven home and then told "This never happened."

I wished it happened more often.

It's ironic, the comparison between the two. It becomes plain as day which one is better, I just needed a reason, a catalyst. Thanks Jordan and Arian, you guys are my heroes. You made my entire weekend in just 20 minutes and I'm hoping it's just the start. =)

Thu, 27 Sep 2007 04:55:20 GMT

these are the times when things are starting to look up =D

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 02:42:33 GMT

freshman year i was this:

a compilation of everything that i despise now, but yet i still manage to make the same mistakes. I was young, willing, and eager. I was in high school i had so much ahead of me that i didn't understand and that i didn't WANT to understand. it was so much more than i could've imagined. I talked big but acted little... I lost those two in the picture and I guess that's how it goes.

Sophomore year i was this:

completely drowned in this relationship, which at this point in time was a horrible mistake. not a regret, but a mistake. I still carried the same characteristic as freshman year, i just had a different haircut and kept lying to myself that i was "new" and "improved", it was a good lie because i certainly believed it, but I was still too stupid. I lost the guy in the picture and I think he's a lot better off without me.

Junior year i was this:

I see a bit of a difference. My apathy and eagerness to be happy shot up this year, as well as my stress level. I was older, learning how to drive, starting to really go to the typical "high school parties." I was staying out past 10:30 but still managing to come before curfew.

Senior year...

so far i am:

they are here, for now. who knows how long... in the end none of it matters. that sounds like the Linkin Park song, but it's the unfortunate truth. when i graduate i probably won't see them anymore. I might talk to them once a month, once in a while, i might decide to call them up when we're here in alpharetta, but none of this matters. I am older in this picture than in the one in freshman year. In this, i drive, i drink, i smoke (weed and cigarettes), I go out for an hour or so without telling my parents. My curfew is midnight. This is being a teenager.

It's how it is. I look back and I look the same, maybe different haircut, different make up... but the girl from the freshman picture has moved so much farther than the girl from the senior picture. I dropped so many things along the way, picked up a couple of items, and managed to keep some of them the entire way and those are the things i really cherish.

Sun, 26 Aug 2007 01:04:24 GMT

So I tailgated from 5 until 8 yesterday through the torrential downpour, and lightning just to see the Titans lose to Peachtree Ridge. Naturally it was expected. Unfortunately I had to pay $5 to see their sorry asses get kicked. Don't get me wrong I'm not complaining, it was actually pretty sweet. To start out there were about 10 of us Anna, Allie, Rebecca, Sheila, Megumi, Anne-Catherine, Reid, Drew, and Yours Truly. We set up the grill and everything, grilled hamburgers and hot dogs etc. Just all around had a kick ass time. If this is senior year I don't want it to end.

So... now to the actually academic part of senior year it's off to a shaky start. It's pathetic that I already have Senioritis and feel like doing absolutely nothing. Ironically enough I decided to take AP Lit. and proceeded to get Mr. Rawlin. While his class is worth taking, I don't know if I can handle the workload/stress. On top of it all I am Publicitor/ Historian for Chorus, as well still running the GSA. Along with that I am working, and teaching private lessons at the same time, and I still need to apply to colleges.
Good thing i just push all that to the back of my mind. But it's still there weighing me down.
I can't believe I'm going to leave this time next year (hopefully i'm leaving).
I don't know.
I'm ready.
Senior year. Bring it on.

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 04:47:56 GMT

I sat in an auditorium only slightly larger than the one back at home, surveying the unfamiliar faces around. As my eyes glanced from face to face I only recognized the few I had known from school. How ridiculous is it, that in six weeks many of those unfamiliar faces would dissolve into the faces of friends. I was a skeptic at first, waiting for the "experience of a lifetime" to begin. It wasn't until the last two weeks did I feel the reality of having to leave such a place, such people... suddenly dawn upon me. I didn't want to leave, but I guess that's how it works out.

Viz Arts

don't stop believing.

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 02:28:34 GMT

i'm gone June 10th through July 21st.
VSU dawgs.
It's burning out there.

so here's to

new friends.

old friends.

new.old friends

and the friends that never quit on you

Mon, 21 May 2007 03:21:13 GMT

okay.
so... it happens.
One day you wake up and you realize. Hey... i'm 17 years old and you still recall when people asked "how old is your sister?" and you would respond "seventeen". I have a magazine named after my age. --;; Oh yes it's another one of those I realize how fast time is passing things. whatever.

i've got one week left. one. week. Yargggg.
So let's see... how i feel... how i feel.
well first off, i was new. I want a new life. Seriously, i'm getting tired of the same people. I'm getting annoyed with the same things. So guess what. I'm starting new. I'm hanging out with people that don't know me well, and i'm hanging out with people i haven't seen in a while. I'm kinda stripping myself bare (not sexually) but i'm trying to figure out what is going on in my life. I'm peeling myself apart and i'm having fun, yet dying at the same time.

I am done with many people. Done with alot of people. And just starting on others.

Sun, 13 May 2007 03:55:46 GMT

hey. hey.
we talked today.
I found a way
[it took 'til may]
for me to say
that i'm okay. =D

hehe. i really am going to be dr.seuss or actually that's more of a shel silverstein poem.
to be honest, today was good, bittersweet but good. Even a mere smile, a grin... or even a grimace? will suffice me until the times comes where we both grow up [more so you than me =D ] I don't really know what that'll be, hopefully soon, but you can never hope too hard, or hope too much... it usually let's you down in disappointment. So for now, I hope none for you. Hold no expectations... you are just a chapter of my life and as old as the dead sea scrolls. You are nothing [perhaps more than nothing...] but, You are history.

Thu, 03 May 2007 01:09:42 GMT

first and foremost. HAPPY BIRTHDAY RUEGE!!!

aside from that... i'm updating.
yes. i am indeed updating.

I have officially come to grips with my life. Come to realize the fact that I can't really control how fast life moves, which sucks... So i've decided to suck it up and take the punches as they come. I suppose that's what Steven was trying to tell me that whole time. Nevertheless, I'm going to be 17 soon. =) and in a couple of months i'll be a senior. It's weird thinking about that. I remember Angela's senior year of high school... I was a freshman, and I kinda glance at what I was and realize that Northview and I guess high school really does change you. It's kinda weird, and amazing. I'm gonna be a Senior, and soon i'm gonna graduate. Yes, i know my seniors are already graduating but still... i suppose you can empathize with what a feel.

Wed, 04 Apr 2007 00:24:45 GMT

Disney was amazing <3
I loved it.
It was exactly what i needed, a break away from school, away from home, away from stress, away from him.
I am so much better away. I loved it.
My favorite rides: Expedition Everest, Tower of Terror, and Rock n' Rollercoaster.
I missed all my friends though =)
I took a ton of pictures, and had an amazing time.

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 03:18:22 GMT

we set off the fire alarm during rehearsal today.

sang "L'Chaim" and played "gigolo" outside for 20 minutes.
it's at times like these that i'm reminded why i did the musical.

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 02:20:30 GMT

The night blanketed a bitter, tainted physique that hugged itself at the knees, while another engulfed the body whole. All the while, the evening was scented with a bittersweet linger of yesterday; only to us, did the darkness of the evening reflect the shadows of dismay. This insignificant silhouette, seemingly worthless and trivial to passers by, meant all to me. The moments that died away echoed in the crevices of my memory, just as it was then: the days gone without the inevitable bittersweet goodbye awaiting us; the heavens our limit, or so it seemed so; the few or many of us piling into a car waiting for nothing, with our hearts open to the rapture known as life, silent conversations, the wind combing through our hair, elated – with the empyrean gazing into rebellion nodding in satisfaction; a bonfire and a symphony of laughter reverberates through the cynicism, reminding us the insignificant invigorates us in curious ways; two or three hours with words spoken in succession about “life”; clear water shimmering in midday sunlight, and a couple bathe attempting to cool their temperature; an eternity on a boardwalk talking and waiting for a simple solution, but nobody knew an answer except to roll and crash as the waves on the sand; the beauty of life, the confusion, the hilarity of living, radiates in the glow of the summer sun, reminding us; the midnight pantry and refrigerator “raids”; a glance from that face, and a warm embrace, binding the negligible connection into a meaning deeper than expected, and together we stayed in this ardor. The last grain fell from the hourglass and elation faded; the reality of responsibility weighted our shoulders, dragging us to the undergrowth, suffocating our needs for liberation, and soon we drift. The silent conversations become awkward, the fire fades to ashes, scintillating in hopes to rekindle a blaze, every movement mechanizes to mathematics, and all that was built is buried in hopes of surviving reality. Seconds, hours, days, months, roll by waiting for the shadows to elongate once more, the summer. The faint outline, and the warm embrace dims as it longs for a taste of such freedom.

god i hate this day.

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 00:58:30 GMT

wow. two updates in less than a month. IT MUST MEAN ONE THING.
yes i am slowly losing myself in the depths of the internet world
technically i'm not even allowed to have my laptop anymore because all i do on it is... nothing basically, surf the web, that kind of junk.
well not until i bring up my SAT score.
anyways... these past couple of days have been harsh and incredible at the same time. Basically a wave of nostalgia hit me and i miss the past. Ohhh the past, how incredibly awesome you were comparatively to the time now. oh well i'm technically not allowed to dwell.

here pictures for the poor.

Now that i've gotten all that shit out of me. A CUTE PICTURE OF ME AND ROCHELLE

i always seem to be torturing her in some shape or form in these pictures.
i have the Fiddler on the Roof "Tradition" song stuck in my head.
being ASM isn't as awesome as it seemed, today was the longest rehearsal of my life.

Sat, 10 Feb 2007 22:18:27 GMT

holy shit she's updating O_o;
i know i know
it happens, and this time it's NOT EMO. &hearts
basically right now i'm just bored out of my skull and i have absolutely nothing to do. I smell like chlorine, i'm lying in my bed, dreading going to art class, seeing steven during school, and having a terribly boring evening.
ahhh the worst nightmares of a spoiled alpharetta kid
i've come to the conclusion i am spoiled, and i am an alpharetta kid. and i've learned to accept my terrible fate.
i'm hungry.

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 20:54:02 GMT

i'm bitter

why am i bitter? because i take every little piece of emotion I experience and magnify the feeling to a dangerous severity. Then, I force feed myself until i suffocate. In short terms, I am an emotional and mental mess. I am submissive to the laughter of my memory and submerge myself around the past, clinging to it by static electricity. I miss him. Maybe. It might just be just the memories tying my stubborn will to his character. My mind is torn, all my "pragmatic" urges are circumvented by misunderstandings and superficial arguments. The summer is nothing more than a memory, a dream, a hallucination created by the crevices of my mind to deceive me into thinking I actually loved him. Or perhaps it was my foolishness. Perhaps I did... or I do.

we are nothing more. we can be nothing more. and i need to accept that.
i will.

Sun, 03 Dec 2006 04:44:28 GMT

it's over

In life, dwell a deciever and the decieved, eternally bound to his antagonist. Life and Death, Good and Evil, Yin and Yang, Pleasure and Pain, Man. and. Woman. together intertwined never do they part. This is heaven.

A touch, a flinch.
a gaze, an aversion.
a want, a denial
eternally dissolves my eminence.
for once i strip away my arrogance,
no misinterpretations
or sarcasm.
no superficial shit
or pessimism.
the remainder of a half,
once whole as it can be,
desires all of nothing
only something it's denied.

i'm such a fucking emo kid =D

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 01:23:27 GMT

i think everything is gonna be just fine. =D

Wed, 25 Oct 2006 02:02:24 GMT

to be honest I wanted to grow out of the foolish habit a long time ago. but everyone has their days. where everything goes right, but all of it seems wrong. A strange hollow feeling has been lurking beneath the everyday monotonous facade I wear to school, and it slowly and steadily consumes me. I want more. More from everything. Glutton is one of the seven deadly sins. So is Lust, Pride, Sloth... all of which i have seem to fallen under the category of.
I want to tape his mouth shut, force feed his own bitter sweet hypocrisy. I want him to see, feel, hear, touch, taste every ounce, pound, drop, gallon of pain and humiliation he has so graciously provided me.
I want to apologize to him. Fearing myself the reflection of the figure i never wanted to be, I reveal it to him. And he was stayed steady waiting for the one he knew to come back.

I'm tired.
cold.
and sick.